Humor
Raise Geckos Not Cavemen
By Lisa Barker
Mar 30, 2008, 23:52

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I hate cavemen.  I love geckos.  They're intelligent and cute, charming and full of character.  But cavemen, for the most part, are whiners.

The first time I 'met' one I thought he was unique, novel, a fresh approach to an old sell.  It made sense.  "So easy a caveman can do it."  Ha-ha.  Funny.  The hairy guy had a point.  The advertising was insensitive and prejudiced.  Wow, an advertisement that even touched on some deeper themes in society.

Then there were the clever news talk shows.  The ignorance of the narrow-minded host and other guest was laughable.  And then came therapy.  So easy a caveman can do it?  Suddenly Mr. Novel became Mr. Victim, and haven't we had our fill of victims yet for a few centuries?.  Get over it already!

The guy's so torn up about Geico's advertising he can't even enjoy himself with friends at a party.  He's obsessed.  He's weighed down with righteous indignation.  He's drowning in a million or more years of repression foisted on him by a society fraught with prejudice.

He makes me sick.

There's a difference between a case well made and so much whine it begs for cheese.  Maybe I'm more sensitive to this because I'm a mom.  I have to deal with whiney cave people all day.  In fact, it's my job to turn these Neanderthals into productive members of society.  I've got to root out the 'whinies' long before they ever reach adulthood.  That's why every time I hear the music for the Geico commercial featuring the whiney cavemen, I cringe and flee the room.

All day long I hear:  "Mommmmmma!  I waaaant sometheeeeeng to eeeeeat!."  Or, "Heeee's toucheeeeeeng meee-eee-eee."  Or, "Caa-aan I go outsiiiiide?"

It's like fingernails on a chalkboard.  My job is to take the twisted, whining phrases that come from my children's mouths and make them direct, polite statements or requests.

"Momma, may I have a biscuit with butter and jam, please?"  Now, that's what the gecko would say.  He's adorable!  And that's what I want for my children.  I want them to be proactive, adorable, intelligent cheery folk.  Not some angst-focused emotional wreck whose sense of self is threatened by the unfairness of humanity.

Because in real life, whining (even if you're right), will not get you what you want.  And everybody hates when they have to deal with adults who still act like children – especially the most insufferable ones.

When it comes down to it, is there really much difference between a whiney caveman and a whiney child?  No.  So teach your children well.  If you can't teach them to be caring, compassionate and self-possessed cave people, then teach them to be geckos.  The world will be a better place because of it.

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About the Author(s) : LISA BARKER of Greenfield is a syndicated humor columnist and mom of five. Her "Jelly Mom" column appears Monday in Living. Barker's latest book is "Just Because Your Kids Drive You Insane ... Doesn't Mean You Are A Bad Parent!" See www.JellyMom.com for more information.